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@@ -11,13 +11,13 @@
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#
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%title The Colour of Magic (2)
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%passage 1
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It has been remarked before that those who are sensitive to radiation in the
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far octarine - the eighth colour, the pigment of the Imagination - can see
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things that others cannot.
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It has been remarked before that those who are sensitive to radiation in
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the far octarine - the eighth colour, the pigment of the Imagination - can
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see things that others cannot.
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Thus it was that Rincewind, hurrying through the crowded, flare-lit, evening
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bazarrs of Morpork with the Luggage trundling behind him, jostled a tall
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figure, turned to deliver a few suitable curses, and beheld Death.
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Thus it was that Rincewind, hurrying through the crowded, flare-lit,
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evening bazarrs of Morpork with the Luggage trundling behind him, jostled a
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tall figure, turned to deliver a few suitable curses, and beheld Death.
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It had to be Death. No-one else went around with empty eye sockets and, of
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course, the scythe over one shoulder was another clue.
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@@ -26,20 +26,20 @@ course, the scythe over one shoulder was another clue.
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%e passage 1
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%passage 2
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As he was drawn towards the Eye the terror-struck Rincewind raised the box
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protectively, and at the same time heard the picture imp say, 'They're about
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ripe now, can't hold them any longer. Every-one smile, please.'
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protectively, and at the same time heard the picture imp say, 'They're
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about ripe now, can't hold them any longer. Every-one smile, please.'
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There was a -
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- flash of light so white and so bright -
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- it didn't seem like light at all.
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Bel-Shamharoth screamed, a sound that started in the far ultrasonic and
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finished somewhere in Rincewind's bowels. The tentacles went momentarily as
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stiff as rods, hurling their various cargos around the room, before bunching
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up protectively in front of the abused Eye. The whole mass dropped into the
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pit and a moment later the big slab was snatched up by several dozen tentacles
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and slammed into place, leaving a number of thrashing limbs trapped around the
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edge.
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finished somewhere in Rincewind's bowels. The tentacles went momentarily
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as stiff as rods, hurling their various cargos around the room, before
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bunching up protectively in front of the abused Eye. The whole mass
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dropped into the pit and a moment later the big slab was snatched up by
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several dozen tentacles and slammed into place, leaving a number of
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thrashing limbs trapped around the edge.
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[The Colour of Magic, by Terry Pratchett]
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%e passage 2
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@@ -52,10 +52,10 @@ edge.
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'Cohen is my name, boy' Belthan's hands stopped moving.
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'Cohen?' she said, 'Cohen the Barbarian?'
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'The very shame.'
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'Hang on, hang on,' said Rincewind, 'Cohen's a great big chap, neck like a bull,
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got chest muscles like a sack of footballs. I mean, he's the Disc's greatest
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warrior, a legend in his own lifetime. I remember my grandad telling me he saw
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him ... my grandad telling me he ... my grandad ...'
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'Hang on, hang on,' said Rincewind, 'Cohen's a great big chap, neck like a
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bull, got chest muscles like a sack of footballs. I mean, he's the Disc's
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greatest warrior, a legend in his own lifetime. I remember my grandad
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telling me he saw him ... my grandad telling me he ... my grandad ...'
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He faltered under the gimlit gaze.
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'Oh,' he said, 'Oh. Of course, Sorry.'
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'Yesh,' said Cohen, and sighed, 'Thatsh right boy, I'm a lifetime in my own
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@@ -64,23 +64,23 @@ legend.'
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[The Light Fantastic, by Terry Pratchett]
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%e passage 1
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%passage 2
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Death sat at one side of a black baize table in the entre of the room, arguing
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with Famine, War and Pestilence. Twoflower was the only one to look up and
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notice Rincewind.
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Death sat at one side of a black baize table in the entre of the room,
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arguing with Famine, War and Pestilence. Twoflower was the only one to
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look up and notice Rincewind.
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'Hey, how did you get here?' he said.
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'Well, some say that the creator took a handful - oh, I see, well, it's hard to
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explain but I -'
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'Well, some say that the creator took a handful - oh, I see, well, it's
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hard to explain but I -'
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'Have you got the Luggage?'
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The wooden box pushed past Rincewind and settled down in front of its owner,
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who opened its lid and rummaged around inside until he came up with a small,
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leatherbound book which he handed to War, who was hammering the table with a
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mailed fist.
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'It's "Nosehinger on the Laws of Contract",' he said. 'It's quite good, there's
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a lot in it about double finessing and how to -'
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The wooden box pushed past Rincewind and settled down in front of its
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owner, who opened its lid and rummaged around inside until he came up with
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a small, leatherbound book which he handed to War, who was hammering the
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table with a mailed fist.
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'It's "Nosehinger on the Laws of Contract",' he said. 'It's quite good,
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there's a lot in it about double finessing and how to -'
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Death snatched the book with a bony hand anflipped through the pages, quite
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oblivious to the presence of the two men.
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'RIGHT,' he said, 'PESTILENCE, OPEN ANOTHER PACK OF CARDS. I'M GOING TO GET TO
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THE BOTTOM OF THIS IF IT KILLS ME. FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING OF COURSE.'
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'RIGHT,' he said, 'PESTILENCE, OPEN ANOTHER PACK OF CARDS. I'M GOING TO GET
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TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS IF IT KILLS ME. FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING OF COURSE.'
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[The Light Fantastic, by Terry Pratchett]
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%e passage 2
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@@ -116,7 +116,7 @@ and private thoughts, and real thoughts, and thoughts about thoughts, and
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a whole gamut of subconscious thoughts. To a telepath the human head is
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a din. It is a railway terminus with all the Tannoys talking at once.
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It is a complete FM waveband- and some of those stations aren't reputable,
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they're outlawed pirates on forbidden seas who play late-night records with
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they're outlawed pirates on forbidden seas who play late-night records with
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limbic lyrics.
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[Equal Rites, by Terry Pratchett]
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@@ -127,7 +127,9 @@ limbic lyrics.
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#
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%title Mort (1)
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%passage 1
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Ankh-Morpork had dallied with many forms of government and hand ended up with that form of democracy known as One Man, One Vote. The Patrician was the Man; he had the Vote.
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Ankh-Morpork had dallied with many forms of government and hand ended up
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with that form of democracy known as One Man, One Vote. The Patrician was
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the Man; he had the Vote.
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[Mort, by Terry Pratchett]
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%e passage
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@@ -144,8 +146,9 @@ RARE, said Death.
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%e passage
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%passage 2
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They suffered from the terrible delusion that something could be done.
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They seemed prepared to make the world the way they wanted it or die in the attempt,
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and the trouble with dying in the attempt was that you died in the attempt.
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They seemed prepared to make the world the way they wanted it or die in the
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attempt, and the trouble with dying in the attempt was that you died in
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the attempt.
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[Sourcery, by Terry Pratchett]
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%e passage
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@@ -153,10 +156,42 @@ and the trouble with dying in the attempt was that you died in the attempt.
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#
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#
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#
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%title Wyrd Sisters (1)
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%title Wyrd Sisters (2)
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%passage 1
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Destiny is important, see, but people go wrong when they think it controls them. It's the other way around.
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Destiny is important, see, but people go wrong when they think it controls
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them. It's the other way around.
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[Wyrd Sisters, by Terry Pratchett]
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%e passage
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%passage 2
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#submitted by Boudewijn
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Verence tried to avoid walking through walls. A man had his dignity.
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He became aware that he was being watched.
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He turned his head.
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There was a cat sitting in the doorway, subjecting him to a slow blink.
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It was a mottled grey and extremely fat...
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No. It was extremely /big/. It was covered with so much scar tissue
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that it looked like a fist with fur on it. Its ears were a couple of
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perforated stubs, its eyes two yellow slits of easy-going malevolence,
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its tail a twitching series of question marks as it stared at him.
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Greebo had heard that Lady Felmet had a small white female cat and had
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strolled up to pay his respects. Verence had never seen an animal with
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so much built-in villainy. He didn't resist as it waddled across the
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floor and dried to rub itself against his legs, purring like a
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waterfall.
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'Well, well,' said the king, vaguely. He reached down and made an
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effort to scratch it behind the two ragged bits on top of its head.
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It was a relief to find someone else besides another ghost who could
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see him, and Greebo, he couldn't help feeling, was a distinctly unusual
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cat. Most of the castle cats were either pampered pets or flat-eared
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kitchen and stable habitués who generally resembled the very rodents
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they lived on. This cat, on the other hand, was its own animal. All
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cats give that impression, of course, but instead of the mindless
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animal self-absorption that passes for secret wisdom in the creatures,
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Greebo radiated genuime intelligence. He also radiated a smell that
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would have knocked over a wall and caused sinus trouble in a dead fox.
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[Wyrd Sisters, by Terry Pratchett]
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%e passage
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@@ -166,12 +201,14 @@ Destiny is important, see, but people go wrong when they think it controls them.
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#
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%title Pyramids (2)
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%passage 1
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The trouble with life was that you didn't get a chance to practice before doing it for real.
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The trouble with life was that you didn't get a chance to practice before
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doing it for real.
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[Pyramids, by Terry Pratchett]
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%e passage
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%passage 2
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Mere animals couldn't possibly manage to act like this. You need to be a human being to be really stupid.
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Mere animals couldn't possibly manage to act like this. You need to be a
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human being to be really stupid.
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[Pyramids, by Terry Pratchett]
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%e passage
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@@ -181,15 +218,15 @@ Mere animals couldn't possibly manage to act like this. You need to be a human b
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#
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%title Guards! Guards! (2)
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%passage 1
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Guards! Guards!, by Terry Pratchett
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Never build a dungeon you wouldn't be happy to spend the night in yourself. The world would be a happier place if more people remembered that.
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Never build a dungeon you wouldn't be happy to spend the night in yourself.
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The world would be a happier place if more people remembered that.
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[Guards! Guards!, by Terry Pratchett]
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%e passage
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%passage 2
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Guards! Guards!, by Terry Pratchett
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These weren't encouraged in the city, since the heft and throw of a longbow's arrow could send it
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through an innocent bystander a hundred yards away instead of the innocent bystander at whom it was aimed.
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These weren't encouraged in the city, since the heft and throw of a
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longbow's arrow could send it through an innocent bystander a hundred
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yards away instead of the innocent bystander at whom it was aimed.
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[Guards! Guards!, by Terry Pratchett]
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%e passage
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@@ -199,18 +236,25 @@ through an innocent bystander a hundred yards away instead of the innocent bysta
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#
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%title Eric (2)
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%passage 1
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No enemies had ever taken Ankh-Morpork. Well, /technically/ they had, quite often; the city welcomed free-spending barbarian invaders, but somehow the puzzled raiders always found, after a few days, that they didn't own their own horses any more, and within a couple of months they were just another minority group with its own graffiti and food shops.
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No enemies had ever taken Ankh-Morpork. Well, /technically/ they had, quite
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often; the city welcomed free-spending barbarian invaders, but somehow the
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puzzled raiders always found, after a few days, that they didn't own their
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own horses any more, and within a couple of months they were just another
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minority group with its own graffiti and food shops.
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[Terry Pratchett, Eric]
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[Terry Pratchett, Eric]
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%e passage
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%passage 2
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Rincewind looked down at the broad steps they were climbing. They were something of a novelty; each one was built out of large stone letters. The one he was just stepping on to, for example, read: I Meant It For The Best.
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The next one was: I Thought You'd Like It.
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Eric was standing on: For The Sake Of The Children.
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'Weird, isn't it?' he said. 'Why do it like this?'
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'I think they're meant to be good intentions,' said Rincewind. This was a road to hell, and demons were, after all, traditionalists.
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Rincewind looked down at the broad steps they were climbing. They were
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something of a novelty; each one was built out of large stone letters. The
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one he was just stepping on to, for example, read: I Meant It For The Best.
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The next one was: I Thought You'd Like It.
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Eric was standing on: For The Sake Of The Children.
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'Weird, isn't it?' he said. 'Why do it like this?'
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'I think they're meant to be good intentions,' said Rincewind. This was a
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road to hell, and demons were, after all, traditionalists.
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[Terry Pratchett, Eric]
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[Terry Pratchett, Eric]
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%e passage
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%e title
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#
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@@ -218,40 +262,70 @@ through an innocent bystander a hundred yards away instead of the innocent bysta
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#
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%title Moving Pictures (4)
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%passage 1
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This is space. It's sometimes called the final frontier.
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(Except that of course you can't have a /final/ frontier, because there'd be nothing for it to be a frontier /to/, but as frontiers go, it's pretty penultimate...)
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This is space. It's sometimes called the final frontier.
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(Except that of course you can't have a /final/ frontier, because there'd
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be nothing for it to be a frontier /to/, but as frontiers go, it's pretty
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penultimate...)
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[Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures]
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[Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures]
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%e passage
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%passage 2
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By and large, the only skill the alchemists of Ankh-Morpork had discovered so far was the ability to turn gold into less gold.
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By and large, the only skill the alchemists of Ankh-Morpork had discovered
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so far was the ability to turn gold into less gold.
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[Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures]
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[Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures]
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%e passage
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%passage 3
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There was a dog sitting by his feet.
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It was small, bow-legged and wiry, and basically grey but with patches of brown, white, and black in outlying areas...
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It looked up slowly, and said 'Woof?'
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Victor poked an exploratory finger in his ear. It must have been a trick of an echo, or something. It wasn't that the dog had gone 'woof!', although that was practically unique in itself; most dogs in the universe /never/ went 'woof!', they had complicated barks like 'whuuugh!' and 'hwhoouf!'. No, it was that it hadn't in fact /barked/ at all. It had /said/ 'woof'.
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'Could have bin worse, mister. I could have said "miaow".'
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There was a dog sitting by his feet.
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It was small, bow-legged and wiry, and basically grey but with patches of
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brown, white, and black in outlying areas... It looked up slowly, and
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said 'Woof?' Victor poked an exploratory finger in his ear. It must have
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been a trick of an echo, or something. It wasn't that the dog had gone
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'woof!', although that was practically unique in itself; most dogs in the
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universe /never/ went 'woof!', they had complicated barks like 'whuuugh!'
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and 'hwhoouf!'. No, it was that it hadn't in fact /barked/ at all. It had
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/said/ 'woof'. 'Could have bin worse, mister. I could have said "miaow".'
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[Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures]
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[Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures]
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%e passage
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%passage 4
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''Twas beauty killed the beast,' said the Dean, who liked to say things like that.
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'No it wasn't,' said the Chair. 'It was it splatting into the ground like that.'
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''Twas beauty killed the beast,' said the Dean, who liked to say things
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like that. 'No it wasn't,' said the Chair. 'It was it splatting into the
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ground like that.'
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[Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures]
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[Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures]
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%e passage
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%e title
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#
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#
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#
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%title Reaper Man (1)
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%title Reaper Man (4)
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%passage 1
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Reaper Man, by Terry Pratchett
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No one is actually dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away..
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.
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[Reaper Man, by Terry Pratchett]
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%e passage
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%passage 2
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Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind.
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[Reaper Man, by Terry Pratchett]
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%e passage
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%passage 3
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Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how
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fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and
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is waiting for it.
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[Reaper Man, by Terry Pratchett]
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%e passage
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%passage 4
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"That's not fair, you know. If we knew when we were going to die, people
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would lead better lives."
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IF PEOPLE KNEW WHEN THEY WERE GOING TO DIE, I THINK THEY PROBABLY WOULDN'T
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LIVE AT ALL.
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[Reaper Man, by Terry Pratchett]
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%e passage
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%e title
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#
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@@ -275,7 +349,8 @@ He says gods like to see an atheist around. Gives them something to aim at.
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[Small Gods, by Terry Pratchett]
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%e passage
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%passage 2
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Pets are always a great help in times of stress. And in times of starvation too, o'course.
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Pets are always a great help in times of stress. And in times of starvation
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too, o'course.
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[Small Gods, by Terry Pratchett]
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%e passage
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@@ -316,7 +391,8 @@ The maze was so small that people got lost looking for it.
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#
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%title Soul Music (2)
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%passage 1
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But this didn't feel like magic. It felt a lot older than that. It felt like music
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But this didn't feel like magic. It felt a lot older than that. It felt
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like music
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[Soul Music, by Terry Pratchett]
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%e passage
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@@ -357,77 +433,88 @@ understood things we'd never get anything done."
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#
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%title Maskerade (4)
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%passage 1
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'Maybe you could... help us?'
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'What's wrong?'
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'It's my boy...'
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Granny opened the door further and saw the womand standing behind Mr. Slot. One look at her face was enough. There was a bundle in her arms.
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Granny stepped back. 'Bring him in and let me have a look at him.'
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She took the baby from the woman, sat down on the room's one chair, and pulled back the blanket.
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'Hmm,' said Granny, after a while.
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'There's a curse on this house, that's what it is,' said Slot. 'My best cow's been taken mortally sick, too.'
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'Oh? You have a cowshed?' siad Granny. 'Very good place for a sick-room, a cowshed. It's the warmth. You better show me were it is.'
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'You want to take the boy down there?'
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'Right now.'
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'Maybe you could... help us?'
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'What's wrong?'
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'It's my boy...'
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Granny opened the door further and saw the womand standing behind Mr. Slot.
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One look at her face was enough. There was a bundle in her arms. Granny
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stepped back. 'Bring him in and let me have a look at him.' She took the
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baby from the woman, sat down on the room's one chair, and pulled back the
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blanket. 'Hmm,' said Granny, after a while.
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'There's a curse on this house, that's what it is,' said Slot. 'My best
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cow's been taken mortally sick, too.' 'Oh? You have a cowshed?' siad
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Granny. 'Very good place for a sick-room, a cowshed. It's the warmth. You
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better show me were it is.' 'You want to take the boy down there?'
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'Right now.'
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[...]
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'How many have you come for?'
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ONE.
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'The cow?'
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Death shook his head.
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'It could be the cow.'
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NO. THAT WOULD BE CHANGING HISTORY.
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'History is about things changing.'
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NO.
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Granny sat back.
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'Then I challenge you to a game. That's traditional. That's /allowed/.'
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Death was silent for a moment.
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THIS IS TRUE.
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'Good.'
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HOWEVER... YOU UNDERSTAND THAT TO WIN ALL YOU MUST GAMBLE ALL?
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'Double or quits? Yes, I know.'
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BUT NOT CHESS.
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'Can't abide chess.'
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|
OR CRIPPLE MR ONION. I'VE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO UNDERSTAND THE RULES.
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|
'Very well. How about one hand of poker? Five cards each, no draws? Sudden death, as they say.'
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|
Death thought about this, too.
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|
YOU KNOW THIS FAMILY?
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'No.'
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THEN WHY?
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'Are we talking or are we playing?'
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OH, VERY WELL.
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Granny looked at her cards, and threw them down.
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FOUR QUEENS. HMM. THAT /IS/ VERY HIGH.
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Death looked down at his cards, and then up into Granny's steady, blue-eyed gaze.
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Neither moved for some time.
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|
Then Death laid the hand on the table.
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|
I LOSE. ALL I HAVE IS FOUR ONES.
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|
'How many have you come for?'
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|
ONE.
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|
'The cow?'
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|
Death shook his head.
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|
'It could be the cow.'
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|
NO. THAT WOULD BE CHANGING HISTORY.
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|
'History is about things changing.'
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|
NO.
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|
Granny sat back.
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|
'Then I challenge you to a game. That's traditional. That's /allowed/.'
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|
Death was silent for a moment.
|
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|
THIS IS TRUE.
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|
'Good.'
|
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|
|
HOWEVER... YOU UNDERSTAND THAT TO WIN ALL YOU MUST GAMBLE ALL?
|
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|
'Double or quits? Yes, I know.'
|
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|
BUT NOT CHESS.
|
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|
'Can't abide chess.'
|
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|
|
OR CRIPPLE MR ONION. I'VE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO UNDERSTAND THE RULES.
|
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|
'Very well. How about one hand of poker? Five cards each, no draws? Sudden
|
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|
death, as they say.' Death thought about this, too.
|
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|
YOU KNOW THIS FAMILY?
|
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|
'No.'
|
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|
THEN WHY?
|
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|
'Are we talking or are we playing?'
|
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|
OH, VERY WELL.
|
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|
Granny looked at her cards, and threw them down.
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|
FOUR QUEENS. HMM. THAT /IS/ VERY HIGH.
|
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|
Death looked down at his cards, and then up into Granny's steady, blue-eyed
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|
gaze. Neither moved for some time.
|
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|
Then Death laid the hand on the table.
|
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|
I LOSE. ALL I HAVE IS FOUR ONES.
|
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|
[Maskerade, by Terry Pratchett]
|
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|
[Maskerade, by Terry Pratchett]
|
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|
%e passage
|
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|
%passage 2
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|
Ahahahahaha!
|
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|
Ahahahaha!
|
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|
Aahahaha!
|
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|
BEWARE!!!!!
|
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|
|
Yrs sincerely,
|
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|
|
The Opera Ghost
|
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|
'What sort of person,' said Salzella, 'sits down and /writes/ a maniacal laugh? And all those exclamation marks, you notice? Five? A sure sign of someone who wears his underpants on his head. Opera can do that to a man.'
|
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|
Ahahahahaha!
|
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|
Ahahahaha!
|
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|
Aahahaha!
|
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|
BEWARE!!!!!
|
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|
Yrs sincerely,
|
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|
The Opera Ghost
|
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|
'What sort of person,' said Salzella, 'sits down and /writes/ a maniacal
|
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|
|
laugh? And all those exclamation marks, you notice? Five? A sure sign of
|
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|
someone who wears his underpants on his head. Opera can do that to a man.'
|
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|
[Maskerade, by Terry Pratchett]
|
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|
[Maskerade, by Terry Pratchett]
|
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|
%e passage
|
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|
%passage 3
|
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|
|
Agnes had woken up one morning with the horrible realization that she'd been saddled with a lovely personality. It was the lack of choice that rankled. No one had asked her, before she was born, whether she wanted a lovely personality or whether she'd prefer, say, a miserable personality but a body that could take size 9 in dresses. Instead, people would take pains to tell her that beauty was only skin-deep, as if a man ever fell for an attractive pair of kidneys.
|
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|
Agnes had woken up one morning with the horrible realization that she'd
|
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|
|
been saddled with a lovely personality. It was the lack of choice that
|
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|
|
rankled. No one had asked her, before she was born, whether she wanted a
|
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|
|
lovely personality or whether she'd prefer, say, a miserable personality
|
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|
but a body that could take size 9 in dresses. Instead, people would take
|
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|
pains to tell her that beauty was only skin-deep, as if a man ever fell
|
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|
for an attractive pair of kidneys.
|
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|
|
|
|
|
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|
[Maskerade, by Terry Pratchett]
|
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|
[Maskerade, by Terry Pratchett]
|
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|
%e passage
|
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|
|
|
%passage 4
|
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|
'And what can I get you, officers?' she said.
|
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|
'Officers? Us? What makes you think we're watchment?'
|
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|
'He's got a helmet on,' Nanny pointed out.
|
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|
'Milit'ry chic,' Nobby said. 'It's just a fashion accessory. Actually, we are gentlemen of means and have nothing to do with the City Watch whatsoever.'
|
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|
'Well, /gentlemen/, would you like some wine?'
|
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|
'Not while we on duty, t'anks', said the troll.
|
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|
'And what can I get you, officers?' she said.
|
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|
'Officers? Us? What makes you think we're watchment?'
|
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|
'He's got a helmet on,' Nanny pointed out.
|
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|
'Milit'ry chic,' Nobby said. 'It's just a fashion accessory. Actually, we
|
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|
are gentlemen of means and have nothing to do with the City Watch
|
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|
|
whatsoever.' 'Well, /gentlemen/, would you like some wine?'
|
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|
'Not while we on duty, t'anks', said the troll.
|
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|
|
|
|
|
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|
[Maskerade, by Terry Pratchett]
|
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|
[Maskerade, by Terry Pratchett]
|
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|
|
%e passage
|
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|
|
|
%e title
|
|
|
|
|
#
|
|
|
|
|
@@ -435,15 +522,18 @@ understood things we'd never get anything done."
|
|
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|
|
#
|
|
|
|
|
%title Feet of Clay (2)
|
|
|
|
|
%passage 1
|
|
|
|
|
Rumour is information distilled so finely that it can filter through anything.
|
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|
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|
It does not need doors and windows -- sometimes it does not need people.
|
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|
It can exist free and wild, running from ear to ear without ever touching lips.
|
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|
Rumour is information distilled so finely that it can filter through
|
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|
anything. It does not need doors and windows -- sometimes it does not need
|
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|
|
|
people. It can exist free and wild, running from ear to ear without ever
|
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|
touching lips.
|
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|
[Feet of Clay, by Terry Pratchett]
|
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|
%e passage
|
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|
%passage 2
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|
It was hard enough to kill a vampire. You could stake them down and turn them into dust and ten years later someone drops a drop of blood in the wrong place and guess who's back?
|
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|
They returned more times than raw broccoli.
|
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|
It was hard enough to kill a vampire. You could stake them down and turn
|
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|
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|
them into dust and ten years later someone drops a drop of blood in the
|
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|
wrong place and guess who's back? They returned more times than raw
|
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|
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|
broccoli.
|
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|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
[Feet of Clay, by Terry Pratchett]
|
|
|
|
|
%e passage
|
|
|
|
|
@@ -453,9 +543,21 @@ They returned more times than raw broccoli.
|
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|
|
#
|
|
|
|
|
%title Hogfather (1)
|
|
|
|
|
%passage 1
|
|
|
|
|
#addition text contributed by Boudewijn
|
|
|
|
|
Everything starts somewhere, though many physicists disagree.
|
|
|
|
|
But people have always been dimly aware of the problem with the start of things.
|
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|
|
|
They wonder how the snowplough driver gets to work, or how the makers of dictionaries look up the spelling of words.
|
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|
|
|
But people have always been dimly aware of the problem with the start of
|
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|
|
|
things. They wonder how the snowplough driver gets to work, or how the
|
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|
|
|
makers of dictionaries look up the spelling of words. Yet there is the
|
|
|
|
|
constant desire to find some point in the twisting, knotting, ravelling
|
|
|
|
|
nets of space-time on which a metaphorical finger can be put to indicate
|
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|
|
that here, /here/, is the point where it all began . . .
|
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|
|
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|
|
/Something/ began when the Guild of Assassins enrolled Mister Teatime,
|
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|
|
|
who saw things differently from other people, and one of the ways that
|
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|
|
he saw things differently from other people was in seeing other people
|
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|
as things (later, Lord Downey of the Guild said, 'We took pity on him
|
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|
|
|
because he'd lost both parents at an early age. I think that, on
|
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|
|
reflection, we should have wondered a bit more about that.')
|
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|
[Hogfather, by Terry Pratchett]
|
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|
%e passage
|
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|
|
|
@@ -463,13 +565,67 @@ They wonder how the snowplough driver gets to work, or how the makers of diction
|
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|
|
|
#
|
|
|
|
|
#
|
|
|
|
|
#
|
|
|
|
|
%title Jingo (1)
|
|
|
|
|
%title Jingo (2)
|
|
|
|
|
%passage 1
|
|
|
|
|
It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us.
|
|
|
|
|
If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me?
|
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|
|
After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them.
|
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|
No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us.
|
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|
It's Them that do the bad things.
|
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|
|
It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to
|
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|
think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault.
|
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|
If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be.
|
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|
I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks
|
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|
of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do
|
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|
the bad things.
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|
[Jingo, by Terry Pratchett]
|
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|
%e passage
|
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|
%passage 2
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|
#contributed by Boudewijn
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|
There was a general shifting of position and a group clearing of throats.
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'What about mercenaries?' said Boggis.
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|
'The problem with mercenaries', said the Patrician, 'is that they need
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|
to be paid to start fighting. And, unless you are very lucky, you end
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up paying them even more to stop--'
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|
Selachii thumped the table.
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'Very well, then, by jingo!' he snarled. 'Alone!'
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'We could certainly do with one,' said Lord Vetinari. 'We need the
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money. I was about to say that we cannot /afford/ mercenaries.'
|
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|
'How can this be?' said Lord Downey. Don't we pay our taxes?'
|
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'Ah, I thought we might come to that,' said Lord Vetinari. He raised
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his hand and, on cue again, his clerk placed a piece of paper in it.
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'Let me see now . . . ah yes. Guild of Assassins . . . Gross earnings
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|
in the last year: AM$13,207,048. Taxes paid in the last year:
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forty-seven dollars, twenty-two pence and what on examination turned
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out to be a Hershebian half-/dong/, worth one eighth of a penny.'
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'That's all perfectly legal! The Guild of Accountants--'
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'Ah yes. Guild of Accountants: gross earnings AM$7,999,011.
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Taxes paid: nil. But, ah yes, I see they applied for a rebate of
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AM$200,000.'
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'And what we received, I may say, included a Hershebian half-/dong/,'
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said Mr Frostrip of the Guild of Accountants.
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'What goes around comes around,' said Vetinari calmly.
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He tossed the paper aside. 'Taxation, gentlemen, is very much like
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dairy farming. The task is to extract the maximum amount of milk with
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the minimum of moo. And I am afraid to say that these days all I get is
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moo.'
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'Are you telling us that Ankh-Morpork is /bankrupt/?' said Downey.
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'Of course. While, at the same time, full of rich people. I trust they
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have been spending their good fortume on swords.'
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'And you have /allowed/ this wholesale tax avoidance?' said Lord
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Selachii. 'Oh, the taxes haven't been avoided,' said Lord Vetinari.
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'Or even evaded. They just haven't been paid.'
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'That is a disgusting state of affairs!'
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The Patrician raised his eyebrows. 'Commander Vines?'
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'Yes, sir?'
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'Would you be so good as to assemble a squad of your most experienced
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men, liaise with the tax gatherers and obtain the accumulated back
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|
taxes, please? My clerk here will give you a list of the prime
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|
defaulters.'
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'Right, sir. And if they resist, sir?' said Vimes, smiling nastily.
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'Oh, how can they resist, commander? This is the will of our civic
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|
leaders.' He took the paper his clerk proferred. 'Let me see, now.
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Top of the list--' Lord Selachii coughed hurriedly. 'Far too late for
|
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|
that sort of nonsense now,' he said.
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|
'Water under the bridge,' said Lord Downey.
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'Deat and buried,' said Mr Slant.
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'I paid mine,' said Vimes.
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|
[Jingo, by Terry Pratchett]
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|
%e passage
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|
@@ -479,12 +635,14 @@ It's Them that do the bad things.
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#
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%title The Last Continent (2)
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%passage 1
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|
PEOPLE'S WHOLE LIVES DO PASS IN FRONT OF THEIR EYES BEFORE THEY DIE. THE PROCESS IS CALLED 'LIVING'.
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|
PEOPLE'S WHOLE LIVES DO PASS IN FRONT OF THEIR EYES BEFORE THEY DIE. THE
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PROCESS IS CALLED 'LIVING'.
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[The Last Continent, by Terry Pratchett]
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|
%e passage
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%passage 2
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|
"When You're Up to Your Ass in Alligators, Today Is the First Day of the Rest of Your Life."
|
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|
"When You're Up to Your Ass in Alligators, Today Is the First Day of the
|
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|
Rest of Your Life."
|
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|
[The Last Continent, by Terry Pratchett]
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|
%e passage
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|
@@ -513,11 +671,12 @@ A million dead people can't have been wrong, can they?
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|
[The Fifth Elephant, by Terry Pratchett]
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|
%e passage
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|
%passage 2
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|
He'd noticed that sex bore some resemblance to cookery: It facinated people,
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|
they sometimes bought books full of complicated recipes and interesting
|
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|
pictures, and sometimes when they were really hungry they created vast
|
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|
banquets in their imagination - but at the end of the day they'd settle quite
|
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|
happily for egg and chips, if it was well done and maybe had a slice of tomato.
|
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|
He'd noticed that sex bore some resemblance to cookery: It facinated
|
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|
people, they sometimes bought books full of complicated recipes and
|
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|
interesting pictures, and sometimes when they were really hungry they
|
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|
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|
created vast banquets in their imagination - but at the end of the day
|
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|
they'd settle quite happily for egg and chips, if it was well done and
|
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|
maybe had a slice of tomato.
|
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|
[The Fifth Elephant, by Terry Pratchett]
|
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|
%e passage
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|
@@ -527,13 +686,15 @@ happily for egg and chips, if it was well done and maybe had a slice of tomato.
|
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|
#
|
|
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|
|
%title The Truth (2)
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|
|
%passage 1
|
|
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|
|
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those
|
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|
|
|
who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: this glass is
|
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|
|
half full. And then there are those who say: this glass is half empty.
|
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|
|
|
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are
|
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|
|
those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: this
|
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|
|
glass is half full. And then there are those who say: this glass is half
|
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|
|
empty.
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|
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: What's
|
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|
|
up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is may glass? I don't think
|
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|
|
so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass! Who's been pinching my beer?
|
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|
|
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say:
|
|
|
|
|
What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is may glass? I
|
|
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|
|
don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass! Who's been
|
|
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|
|
pinching my beer?
|
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|
|
|
|
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|
|
[The Truth, by Terry Pratchett]
|
|
|
|
|
%e passage 1
|
|
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|
|
@@ -687,7 +848,8 @@ betray 'em, quick as a wink. 'Cos that's villaining.'
|
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|
#
|
|
|
|
|
%title The Amazing Maurice and his Educated Rodents (1)
|
|
|
|
|
%passage 1
|
|
|
|
|
The important thing about adventures, thought Mr Bunnsy, was that they shouldn't be so long as to make you miss mealtimes.
|
|
|
|
|
The important thing about adventures, thought Mr Bunnsy, was that they
|
|
|
|
|
shouldn't be so long as to make you miss mealtimes.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
[The Amazing Maurice and his Educated Rodents, by Terry Pratchett]
|
|
|
|
|
%e passage
|
|
|
|
|
@@ -707,7 +869,8 @@ When Mister Safety Catch Is Not On, Mister Crossbow Is Not Your Friend.
|
|
|
|
|
#
|
|
|
|
|
%title The Wee Free Men (1)
|
|
|
|
|
%passage 1
|
|
|
|
|
"Nac Mac Feegle! The Wee Free Men! Nae king! Nae quin! Nae laird! We willna be fooled again!"
|
|
|
|
|
"Nac Mac Feegle! The Wee Free Men! Nae king! Nae quin! Nae laird! We willna
|
|
|
|
|
be fooled again!"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
[The Wee Free Men, by Terry Pratchett]
|
|
|
|
|
%e passage
|
|
|
|
|
@@ -723,7 +886,8 @@ you don't know how to use it?'
|
|
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|
|
'Not me, sir. Other people. They see the sword and
|
|
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|
|
don't attack me,' said Maladict patiently.
|
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|
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|
|
'Yes, but if they did, lad, you wouldn't be any good with it,' said the sergeant.
|
|
|
|
|
'Yes, but if they did, lad, you wouldn't be any good with it,' said the
|
|
|
|
|
sergeant.
|
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|
|
'No, sir. I'd probably settle for just ripping their heads off, sir.
|
|
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|
|
That's what I mean by protection, sir. Theirs, not mine.
|
|
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|
|
@@ -767,12 +931,72 @@ be in the right hands.
|
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|
|
#
|
|
|
|
|
#
|
|
|
|
|
#
|
|
|
|
|
%title Thud! (1)
|
|
|
|
|
%title Thud! (2)
|
|
|
|
|
%passage 1
|
|
|
|
|
Why bother with a cunning plan when a simple one will do?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
[Thud!, by Terry Pratchett]
|
|
|
|
|
%e passage
|
|
|
|
|
%passage 2
|
|
|
|
|
#submitted by Boudewijn
|
|
|
|
|
He wanted to sleep. He'd never felt this tired before.
|
|
|
|
|
Vimes slumped to his knees, and then fell sideways on to the sand.
|
|
|
|
|
When he forced open his eyes he saw pale stars above him, and had once
|
|
|
|
|
again the sensation that there was someone else present.
|
|
|
|
|
He turned his head, wincing at the stab of pain, and saw a small but
|
|
|
|
|
brightly lit folding chair on the sand. A robed figure was reclining
|
|
|
|
|
in it, reading a book. A scythe was stuck in the sand beside it.
|
|
|
|
|
A white skeletal hand turned a page.
|
|
|
|
|
'You'll be Death, then?' said Vimes, after a while.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
AH. MISTER VIMES, ASTUTE AS EVER. GOT IT IN ONE, said Death, shutting
|
|
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|
|
the book on his finger to keep the place.
|
|
|
|
|
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|
|
'I've seen you before.'
|
|
|
|
|
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|
|
|
|
I HAVE WALKED WITH YOU MANY TIMES, MISTER VIMES.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
'And this is /it/, is it?'
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
HAS IT NEVER STRUCK YOU THAT THE CONCEPT OF A WRITTEN NARRATIVE IS
|
|
|
|
|
SOMEWHAT STRANGE? said Death.
|
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|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Vimes could tell when people were trying to avoid something they really
|
|
|
|
|
didn't want to say, and it was happening here.
|
|
|
|
|
'Is it?' he insisted. 'Is this it? This time I die?'
|
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|
|
COULD BE.
|
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|
'Could be? What sort of answer is that?' said Vimes.
|
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|
|
|
|
|
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|
|
A VERY ACCURATE ONE. YOU SEE, YOU ARE HAVING A NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE,
|
|
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|
|
WHICH INESCAPABLY MEANS THAT I MUST UNDERGO A NEAR VIMES EXPERIENCE.
|
|
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|
|
DON'T MIND ME. CARRY ON WHATEVER YOU WERE DOING. I HAVE A BOOK.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Vimes rolled over on to his stomach, gritted his teeth and pushed
|
|
|
|
|
himself on to his hands and knees again. He managed a few yards before
|
|
|
|
|
slumping back down. He heard the sound of a chair being moved.
|
|
|
|
|
'Shouldn't you be somewhere else?' he said.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
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|
I AM, said Death, sitting down again.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
'But you're here!'
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
AS WELL. Death turned a page and, for a person without breath, managed
|
|
|
|
|
a pretty good sigh. IT APPEARS THAT THE BUTLER DID IT.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
'Did what?'
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
IT IS A MADE-UP STORY. VERY STRANGE. ALL ONE NEEDS TO DO IS TURN TO THE
|
|
|
|
|
LAST PAGE AND THE ANSWER IS THERE. WHAT, THEREFORE, IS THE POINT OF
|
|
|
|
|
DELIBERATEDLY NOT KNOWING?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
It sounded like gibberish to Vimes, so he ignored it. Some of the aches
|
|
|
|
|
had gone, although his head still hammered. There was an empty feeling,
|
|
|
|
|
everywhere. He just wanted to sleep.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
[Thud!, by Terry Pratchett]
|
|
|
|
|
%e passage
|
|
|
|
|
%e title
|
|
|
|
|
#
|
|
|
|
|
#
|
|
|
|
|
@@ -787,7 +1011,8 @@ Is that an igneous rock, such as granite, or is it sandstone?
|
|
|
|
|
[Wintersmith, by Terry Pratchett]
|
|
|
|
|
%e passage
|
|
|
|
|
%passage 2
|
|
|
|
|
They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?
|
|
|
|
|
They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but
|
|
|
|
|
has anyone checked lately?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
[Wintersmith, by Terry Pratchett]
|
|
|
|
|
%e passage
|
|
|
|
|
@@ -798,24 +1023,36 @@ They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has
|
|
|
|
|
%title Making Money (3)
|
|
|
|
|
%passage 1
|
|
|
|
|
Making Money, by Terry Pratchett
|
|
|
|
|
'I'm an Igor, thur. We don't athk quethtionth.'
|
|
|
|
|
'Really? Why not?'
|
|
|
|
|
'I don't know, thur. I didn't athk.'
|
|
|
|
|
'I'm an Igor, thur. We don't athk quethtionth.'
|
|
|
|
|
'Really? Why not?'
|
|
|
|
|
'I don't know, thur. I didn't athk.'
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
[Making Money, by Terry Pratchett]
|
|
|
|
|
[Making Money, by Terry Pratchett]
|
|
|
|
|
%e pasasge
|
|
|
|
|
%passage 2
|
|
|
|
|
The Watch armour fitted like a glove. He'd have preferred it to fit like a helmet and breastplate. It was common knowledge that the Watch's approach to uniforms was one-size-doesn't-exactly-fit-anybody, and that Commander Vimes disapproved of armour that didn't have that kicked-by-trolls look. He liked it to make it clear that it had been doing its job.
|
|
|
|
|
The Watch armour fitted like a glove. He'd have preferred it to fit like a
|
|
|
|
|
helmet and breastplate. It was common knowledge that the Watch's approach
|
|
|
|
|
to uniforms was one-size-doesn't-exactly-fit-anybody, and that Commander
|
|
|
|
|
Vimes disapproved of armour that didn't have that kicked-by-trolls look.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
[Making Money, by Terry Pratchett]
|
|
|
|
|
He liked it to make it clear that it had been doing its job.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
[Making Money, by Terry Pratchett]
|
|
|
|
|
%e passage
|
|
|
|
|
%passage 3
|
|
|
|
|
'The world is full of things worth more than gold. But we dig the damn stuff up and then bury it in a different hole. Where's the sense in that? What are we, magpies? Good heavens, /potatoes/ are worth more than gold!'
|
|
|
|
|
'Surely not!'
|
|
|
|
|
'If you were shipwrecked on a desert island, what would you prefer, a bag of potatoes or a bag of gold?'
|
|
|
|
|
'Yes, but a desert island isn't Ankh-Morpork!'
|
|
|
|
|
'And that proves gold is only valuable because we agree it is, right? It's just a dream. But a potato is always worth a potato, anywhere. A knob of butter and a pinch of salt and you've got a meal, /anywhere/. Bury gold in the ground and you'll be worrying about thieves for ever. Bury a potato and in due season you could be looking at a dividend of a thousand per cent.'
|
|
|
|
|
[Making Money, by Terry Pratchett]
|
|
|
|
|
'The world is full of things worth more than gold. But we dig the damn
|
|
|
|
|
stuff up and then bury it in a different hole. Where's the sense in that?
|
|
|
|
|
What are we, magpies? Good heavens, /potatoes/ are worth more than gold!'
|
|
|
|
|
'Surely not!' 'If you were shipwrecked on a desert island, what would you
|
|
|
|
|
prefer, a bag of potatoes or a bag of gold?' 'Yes, but a desert island
|
|
|
|
|
isn't Ankh-Morpork!' 'And that proves gold is only valuable because we
|
|
|
|
|
agree it is, right? It's just a dream. But a potato is always worth a
|
|
|
|
|
potato, anywhere. A knob of butter and a pinch of salt and you've got a
|
|
|
|
|
meal, /anywhere/. Bury gold in the ground and you'll be worrying about
|
|
|
|
|
thieves for ever. Bury a potato and in due season you could be looking at
|
|
|
|
|
a dividend of a thousand per cent.'
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
[Making Money, by Terry Pratchett]
|
|
|
|
|
%e passage
|
|
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%e title
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#
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@@ -859,7 +1096,8 @@ to be a past worth having.
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#
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%title Snuff (2)
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%passage 1
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They were crude weapons, to be sure, but a flint axe hitting your head does not need a degree in physics.
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They were crude weapons, to be sure, but a flint axe hitting your head does
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not need a degree in physics.
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[Snuff, by Terry Pratchett]
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%e passage
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@@ -907,4 +1145,3 @@ I AM DEATH, NOT TAXES. *I* TURN UP ONLY ONCE.
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%e passage
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%e title
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%e section
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nhmall